Thursday, February 26, 2009

A letter to america

Dear America,

An opening weekend of nearly fifty million dollars for a remake called Friday the 13th? I'm disturbed, confused and a little worried for the future of mankind. If unimaginative remakes of beloved cult films from the '70s and '80s is what gets you to the theatre in hordes--I feel sorry for your lack of originality, your narrow mindedness and gullibility to marketing strategies. Face it America, if this is your thing, you've got problems.

The masses flocking to this film does harm to anyone who loves film. ORIGINAL film. Sorry, but any of my fellow citizens who see this film or the myriad of sub par, cash grab remakes--you are a traitor to all that is good in cinema. You should feel the crimson blush of shame upon your cheeks as the lights dim and I congratulate you on helping to destroy original filmmaking! Well done, America.

My fellow Americans, by supporting these remakes, are you not aware that you are throwing your money to the most untalented of talentless that reside in the movie industry? These are people who can't do anything but copy something that has already been done. The ring leader of this group is the film Anti-Christ himself, Michael Bay. He's a hack director, explosion fetishist and producer of practically every whored-out horror remake that will bombard the multiplex. By seeing his films you've literally given your money to the worst, most no talent, most derivative man working in film--EVER. Thanks to you, Bay will never have to worry about paying for his Botox treatments or his cocaine and prostitute funds or whatever else he might spend his not-so-well earned paychecks on.

You will have many more opportunities to redeem yourself by avoiding films that will be coming out that you've already seen. These will be overblown, inferior versions of movies that you have already seen. Films such as The Karate Kid, Near Dark, Footloose, A Nightmare On Elm Street, The Evil Dead, Back To School, The Warriors, Last House on the Left, Poltergeist, Hellraiser, Child's Play and The Birds are all being made or about to be made. Plus, by far the most moronic, insulting remake in the history of remakes: Bonnie and Clyde with Hillary "I'm a freakin' teeny-bop singer and not an actress" Duff playing the role of Bonnie. Yes, Hillary Duff. If that doesn't send shockwaves of anger through you, nothing will.

Americans, the films I just listed have already been made! Just head down to the video store or put them in your online queue. You can watch them, guilt free, any time you want and you won't have to give idea deprived scumbags like Michael Bay and his ilk a cent.




Guy Gadbois said...

I'll give you 2 reasons you're fighting a battle that isn't worth your time:

1. American Idol
2. George W. Bush

In the present time & not to distant past, respectively, the popularity of these items propelled them to the top of their respective ranks because the American public put them there. We both know they suck but we're in the minority, so relish your spot & grumble quietly.

Brandon said...

Amen to you and Amen to Guy Gadbois.

Alexander said...

I couldn't agree more. Michael Bay is the cancer on the movie industry. I haven't seen a single remake since Dawn Of The Dead and I will continue to boycott future remakes/reimaginations/re-whatever until Hollywood either start making them less frequently or put better effort into them.

Anonymous said...


You have placed the wrong President in the league of American Idol. Someone else has laid hold of the popularity bandwagon.

Replicant - so sorry about the remakes!


Replicant said...

I have to grumble though...grumbling makes me feel like I'm not taking it without some fighting back.

The thing that drives me crazy is thinking about all the films they COULD make if it wasn't for remakes/sequels etc.

Anonymous said...

Yes - exactly! This should be the world showcase, the pinnacle for displaying creativity!

- SD

Bungle said...

I'm all for the moral high road when it comes to speaking up for your beliefs. God knows how many times I've railed against re-makes, re-imaginings, and reboots. Makes the days of the assured sequel seem like a cornucopia of creativity. But, at the risk of sounding shallow, that F13 re-make had the most amazing set of boobs I've seen in film all year.

Sometimes that's enough.