A letter to america

Dear America,

An opening weekend of nearly fifty million dollars for a remake called Friday the 13th? I'm disturbed, confused and a little worried for the future of mankind. If unimaginative remakes of beloved cult films from the '70s and '80s is what gets you to the theatre in hordes--I feel sorry for your lack of originality, your narrow mindedness and gullibility to marketing strategies. Face it America, if this is your thing, you've got problems.

The masses flocking to this film does harm to anyone who loves film. ORIGINAL film. Sorry, but any of my fellow citizens who see this film or the myriad of sub par, cash grab remakes--you are a traitor to all that is good in cinema. You should feel the crimson blush of shame upon your cheeks as the lights dim and I congratulate you on helping to destroy original filmmaking! Well done, America.

My fellow Americans, by supporting these remakes, are you not aware that you are throwing your money to the most untalented of talentless that reside in the movie industry? These are people who can't do anything but copy something that has already been done. The ring leader of this group is the film Anti-Christ himself, Michael Bay. He's a hack director, explosion fetishist and producer of practically every whored-out horror remake that will bombard the multiplex. By seeing his films you've literally given your money to the worst, most no talent, most derivative man working in film--EVER. Thanks to you, Bay will never have to worry about paying for his Botox treatments or his cocaine and prostitute funds or whatever else he might spend his not-so-well earned paychecks on.

You will have many more opportunities to redeem yourself by avoiding films that will be coming out that you've already seen. These will be overblown, inferior versions of movies that you have already seen. Films such as The Karate Kid, Near Dark, Footloose, A Nightmare On Elm Street, The Evil Dead, Back To School, The Warriors, Last House on the Left, Poltergeist, Hellraiser, Child's Play and The Birds are all being made or about to be made. Plus, by far the most moronic, insulting remake in the history of remakes: Bonnie and Clyde with Hillary "I'm a freakin' teeny-bop singer and not an actress" Duff playing the role of Bonnie. Yes, Hillary Duff. If that doesn't send shockwaves of anger through you, nothing will.

Americans, the films I just listed have already been made! Just head down to the video store or put them in your online queue. You can watch them, guilt free, any time you want and you won't have to give idea deprived scumbags like Michael Bay and his ilk a cent.

Sincerely,

Replicant