I could have put more than this on a list of the films I hated in 2006 but I’ll whittle it down to a measly five. In no particular order here they are…the gloves are off!
The Pink Panther—This was flat out embarrassing for Steve Martin and everyone else in this miserably dull, unfunny and shameful remake of Blake Edwards’ Pink Panther films. Martin, utilizing a French accent and style of physical comedy that makes him seem borderline retarded, gives the most annoying performance of his career (I’m a fan of his actually). There is absolutely nothing of worth in this film (okay, Emily Mortimer, a perinial Top5 of mine is in this and I also like Kevin Kline but even this pair can't save the film) and should make anyone considering remakes of classic movies think long and hard about shooting themselves in the head to save us all the pain of having to watch another retread, inferior movie. Peter Sellers is rolling over in his grave as I write this.
Failure To Launch—Some things never change, another year, another bad, bad, bad Matthew McConaughey movie. I have to hand it to the guy—he’s consistent in his crapness. The pairing of McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker creates romantic tension of the likes of the possible pairing of Abe Vagoda and Britney Spears in a remake of Love Story (I know, unfair to poor Abe!). Translation: the duo has less than zero chemistry in this romantic comedy about a guy who doesn’t want to leave home. Plus, am I the only person that thinks Parker is wearing enough makeup to stock an entire city block and looks like a man in drag? Yet another reason to avoid this—Terry Bradshaw bares his pasty ass multiple times. Yes, multiple times.
Down In the Valley—Granted, I’ve seen a lot worse this year but I’m not sure I watched something that I loathed as much as this phony piece of trite with Edward Norton pretending to be a cowboy in the San Fernando Valley, Cali. The only thing I was rooting for during this was for it to be over as it is just a ridiculously over the top story that should have been left in some writer’s desk. Norton, a fine actor indeed, picked this as a "statement" role but by the end I was just laughing at this absurd waste of my time.
Poseiden—I reviewed this earlier in the year for CineRobot and I asked in the review, “Is it possible to see something so mediocre, so unrelenting in its average, aim for the lowest common denominator” goals? The answer in 2006 is no. This is as average as average can get. Poseiden is predictable, has no tension and is just another silly remake of a film that didn’t need to be redone. Enough is more than enough, Hollywood!
The Benchwarmers—Let me quote from my very succinct review in Kinetoscope after I saw this on June 28, 2006: “Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. But at least it only cost one dollar.” Everything, and I mean everything, you’d expect from a comedic vehicle starring Rob Schneider and David Spade. I’m not normally a guy who knocks a film with as many blows to the groin as sentences (groin pain: always funny) but I’d almost rather take a blow to the groin than to watch this again. Maybe even two blows to the groin?