Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Five films I hated in 2006

I could have put more than this on a list of the films I hated in 2006 but I’ll whittle it down to a measly five. In no particular order here they are…the gloves are off!

The Pink Panther—This was flat out embarrassing for Steve Martin and everyone else in this miserably dull, unfunny and shameful remake of Blake Edwards’ Pink Panther films. Martin, utilizing a French accent and style of physical comedy that makes him seem borderline retarded, gives the most annoying performance of his career (I’m a fan of his actually). There is absolutely nothing of worth in this film (okay, Emily Mortimer, a perinial Top5 of mine is in this and I also like Kevin Kline but even this pair can't save the film) and should make anyone considering remakes of classic movies think long and hard about shooting themselves in the head to save us all the pain of having to watch another retread, inferior movie. Peter Sellers is rolling over in his grave as I write this.

Failure To Launch—Some things never change, another year, another bad, bad, bad Matthew McConaughey movie. I have to hand it to the guy—he’s consistent in his crapness. The pairing of McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker creates romantic tension of the likes of the possible pairing of Abe Vagoda and Britney Spears in a remake of Love Story (I know, unfair to poor Abe!). Translation: the duo has less than zero chemistry in this romantic comedy about a guy who doesn’t want to leave home. Plus, am I the only person that thinks Parker is wearing enough makeup to stock an entire city block and looks like a man in drag? Yet another reason to avoid this—Terry Bradshaw bares his pasty ass multiple times. Yes, multiple times.

Down In the Valley—Granted, I’ve seen a lot worse this year but I’m not sure I watched something that I loathed as much as this phony piece of trite with Edward Norton pretending to be a cowboy in the San Fernando Valley, Cali. The only thing I was rooting for during this was for it to be over as it is just a ridiculously over the top story that should have been left in some writer’s desk. Norton, a fine actor indeed, picked this as a "statement" role but by the end I was just laughing at this absurd waste of my time.

Poseiden—I reviewed this earlier in the year for CineRobot and I asked in the review, “Is it possible to see something so mediocre, so unrelenting in its average, aim for the lowest common denominator” goals? The answer in 2006 is no. This is as average as average can get. Poseiden is predictable, has no tension and is just another silly remake of a film that didn’t need to be redone. Enough is more than enough, Hollywood!

The Benchwarmers—Let me quote from my very succinct review in Kinetoscope after I saw this on June 28, 2006: “Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. But at least it only cost one dollar.” Everything, and I mean everything, you’d expect from a comedic vehicle starring Rob Schneider and David Spade. I’m not normally a guy who knocks a film with as many blows to the groin as sentences (groin pain: always funny) but I’d almost rather take a blow to the groin than to watch this again. Maybe even two blows to the groin?


bb said...

Oh come now CineRobot. Failure to Launch wasn't that bad. Yes I was not pleased to see Terry Bradshaw's very white ass, but there was a certain funniness about the film. I mean it was a movie about a middle-age guy living with his parents. That is sad, but also funny at the same time.

Replicant said...

Failure to Launch was terrible! The only good thing about it was after a friend and I left the Allred in Pryor, Okla. there were tornadoes nearby and it kind of freaked out my NoCal friend who was visiting. You know how a tornado storm can turn the air all eery and electric and with a weird haze? It was doing that. The next day one tore up a bunch of stuff along the highway as we drove to Arkansas. For those of you who don't know, I live in tornado alley.

the hidden staircase said...

my only fond memory of watching the horrid "FTL" with you was that it was in pryor and we watched it while a tornado was moving around just miles away. making cracks at it was fun too...and only good thing was zooey. ONLY good thing. when we got out, everyone was like..."tornado? ah....no biggie!" it was scary to a west coaster! earthquakes are scary too but tornados to me are scarier! mm is definitely punchable...back to one of your other blogs...